Reaching middle age can certainly bring up a host of emotions, memories, and even new goals—but is there any validity to the stereotyped “midlife crisis” trope? To find out, we asked the experts, plus got their take on how to handle it if you think you’re going through one.In This Article
So, what really is a “midlife crisis”?
A midlife crisis is a period of time during middle age in which some people experience existential fears around their own mortality, as well as what they’ve accomplished so far in life and what the future holds for them. According to Anna Yusim, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of Fulfilled: How the Science of Spirituality Can Help You Live a Happier, More Meaningful Life, it’s not an actual psychological term but a colloquial one.
“It’s something that we characterize as happening between the ages of 40 and 60, maybe even 35 and 65 depending, and it’s just somebody feeling discontent with an aspect of their life and often taking some steps to remedy the discontent,” Yusim says.
Those steps, adds psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT, are often drastic life changes, like starting a whole new career path or trying to retain (or reclaim) some sort of youthful behavior.ADVERTISEMENT
What causes a midlife crisis.
Midlife crises are often triggered by reaching a certain age, becoming acutely aware of your own mortality, and/or reflecting on what you’ve done (or haven’t done) in life so far. “When people reevaluate their lives, it often brings up mixed emotions of anxiety, stress, regret, and sadness,” Nuñez notes.
Yusim explains that the recognition of aging can also trigger a feeling of crisis, whether it’s physical signs of aging like menopause or even simply the realization that life has grown a bit mundane.
“Something about the recognition of all of that leads people to want to grasp at something, to feel more alive, and sometimes make changes in their life,” Yusim says.
Do they only happen to men?
The idea of a man reaching middle age and having a midlife crisis that involves buying a car, for example, is a common misconception around the concept of midlife crises. According to Nuñez and Yusim, anyone can have a midlife crisis, regardless of gender.
While yes, the crisis may manifest differently in men versus women thanks to certain gender norms and expectations, there is certainly overlap, with Yusim explaining that those differences have historical origins. “Men historically have been more financially independent and were able to take steps that were much more outward in order to deal with their midlife crises, like getting a sports car,” she says.
But now times are changing, and women have more of that independence, so they, too, can switch jobs or make extravagant purchases.
All that to say, the idea that only men have midlife crises is outdated and inaccurate.
8 signs of a midlife crisis:
1. An acute awareness of getting older
One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you’re getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. As Yusim explains, this can be brought on by things like menopause or changes in appearance, or emotionally monumental life transitions like kids moving out of the house.
2. Impulsive behavior
To remedy the discontent they feel around aging, someone going through a midlife crisis may behave impulsively. “They may live a more reckless lifestyle because of the urgency to reevaluate life and really live,” Nuñez explains.
And as Yusim adds, “Even impulsive changes are a product of long-standing frustrations or difficulties that people have been quite conflicted about—and maybe at some point have finally decided to act on.”
3. A shift in mental or physical well-being
There’s a reason it’s called a “crisis.” Midlife crises aren’t all fun and games; they’re usually accompanied by heavy feelings such as regret, sadness, frustration, irritability, anger, and so on, according to Yusim.
4. Reflecting on the past
Nuñez says midlife crises have a lot to do with reevaluating your life. “You’re hitting a midpoint in life, and you’re reevaluating what you’ve done in life, including any regrets, and questioning what you’ve done so far,” she says.
5. Contemplating purpose and meaning
Along with reflecting on the past, there’s a lot of concern for the future—and what you’re going to make of it—when going through a midlife crisis. This kind of contemplation leads to questions about purpose and meaning, Nuñez explains. It’s about “finding out who you are as a person and trying to find the meaning of life,” she says.
6. A desire to experience new things
Realizing that your life is “half over” can make anyone want to experience new things, Nuñez and Yusim both note. Whether it’s traveling, starting a whole new career, or sky diving, someone going through a midlife crisis may go to extreme lengths to thrill-seek or simply do something they’ve never done before.
7. Concerns about appearance & status
Someone going through a midlife crisis may become increasingly preoccupied with their appearance and/or status, according to Nuñez and Yusim. Perhaps they get cosmetic surgery, dye their hair, or start dressing more “hip.” Maybe they start dating younger people, or going out and partying more, all in an attempt to hold on that youthfulness.
8. Loss of interest in certain relationships
And lastly, Nuñez and Yusim also both note that midlife crises can affect the people in the life of whoever is going through the crisis. Someone going through a midlife crisis who has children, for example, may not be as attentive as a parent as they’re trying to find themselves, Nuñez explains.
Or in other extreme instances, one partner in a relationship may realize they’ve outgrown the other, leading to a divorce. “I see a lot of couples where one partner is going through a midlife crisis and the other isn’t, and you’ll see a lot that this leads to breakups or divorces during this midlife crisis age,” she adds.
Common stages of a midlife crisis:
According to Yusim, a midlife crisis can be split into three main stages, with the first being the initial recognition. This is the moment of realization that’s impossible to ignore, that you’ve reached middle age and are feeling some sort of discontent, she explains, adding, “And then people either recognize the discontent, or they push it away.”
2. The crisis itself
If someone recognizes their discontent and chooses to start making changes, this is the actual crisis stage of a midlife crisis. This is the point where you start to see many of those aforementioned signs, like impulsive behavior or changes to appearance.
In this stage, Yusim says, people can opt for internal and/or external changes. “Are you going to do something about it in your inner world, like try to change your attitude and how you’re feeling? Or something in your outer world like Botox, or leaving your marriage or your job?” she explains.
3. The resolution
Eventually, the crisis will end, and a resolution will be achieved, Yusim explains. This can take different amounts of time for everyone, with no set timeline. Generally speaking, however, when a person feels content with where they’re at and have ceased a lot of those common midlife crisis behaviors, a resolution has been reached.
Overcoming the crisis.
If you’re going through a midlife crisis:
While a midlife crisis can feel unnerving to say the least, Nuñez says it can actually be a tremendous period of self-reflection and growth. “Midlife crises are actually really helpful because in a sense, you start identifying who you are and what you want to do throughout the rest of your life. So midlife crises can be healthy as long as people don’t react to them to the extremes,” she says.
And if you are worried you’re taking things a bit too far, both she and Yusim note that talking to a therapist about how you’re feeling can help, too. “You need insight and awareness as to what is causing the discontent to know the life change you want to make,” Yusim says.
She also adds that the most important thing you can do is get a sense of what you’re really feeling. “Who are you really? What are the options available to you? And then connect with your soul,” she says.
Be patient with yourself and remember this period won’t last forever.
If someone you know is going through a midlife crisis:
If someone you know is dealing with a midlife crisis and you want to support them, Nuñez and Yusim both say the best thing you can do is to simply be there for them, listen to them, and be patient with them. They also agree it’s a good idea to suggest they seek therapy.
Nuñez adds you can watch out for them as well, stepping in if you see them partaking in self-destructive behavior like going into debt over exorbitant purchases. “Just bringing it to the person’s attention and bringing them down to earth, as opposed to letting them flounder,” she explains.
The bottom line.
The truth is, it’s natural—and not uncommon—to go through a midlife crisis at some point in your life. So if you or someone you know is experiencing a midlife crisis, know it won’t last forever, there are resources available to help you get through it, and aging can be a beautiful thing when you let it.